Shakeology: Day 1

Here's the rundown:

  I am lucky enough to have an awesome bf who left me have some of his stash. I'm glad he did because the price tag for one months supply is a whopping 147$! That's enough for at least 15 units of Botox. Which is enough Botox for... let's say a prepubescent boy. Ok, ok, it's not that expensive in the grand scheme of things, but still, that works out to about $4.90 a shake. It's steep I guess, but honestly it's about the same price as a Venti mocha-schmocha fat-ass in a BPA ridden plastic cup. Your choice. Whatev.

     Since the bf's sister is a beach body coach and shakeology distributer, I was able to harass her in the middle of the night for recipes that wouldn't make the shake taste like elephant balls. (I read some bad reviews on google,Mmmkay?). I mixed mine with one cup of light almond milk, half a banana and 3 ice cubes. The powder and milk were mixed for 1 minute straight to make the shake smooth. Then I added the banana and ice just until the shake was smooth again. It looked good. It smelled great. Then it was time to taste...😁

     *drumroll*

    I was actually pleasantly surprised. After all the online references to the tropical strawberry flavor tasting more like mammalian testicles, I was very afraid. Unnecessarily so. The shake was pretty tasty, and I didn't have to, (and I quote) "Suck it down like a mouth full of..."  (You don't want to know the test, and yes, someone actually wrote that). I digress...It was pretty good.

     I will update you tomorrow on how I feel throughout the day. Until then, enjoy your 6$ cup of high-fructose corn syrup. Cheers!

Can't cook. Don't wanna. Probably ain't gonna.

     

     Whenever I tell someone (especially someone of the male persuasion) that I really don't cook, I always get a blank stare. It's as if my having a vagina and being a good cook ought to go hand in hand! I often wonder why no one ever asked my father or my brother if they knew how to make a meal...While there are obvious sexist tones to such a question, I want to explore a deeper issue: Why does society need so badly for each of us to fit in to a box?

     Now, please hear me out. I agree that some roles have to be set in families and partnerships. What I disagree with, is the fact that so many people feel the need to dictate those rules for others. EVERY family is different and every situation unique. Round' here, we rarely turn on a stove. We prefer our food (mostly plant based) raw. Unless, of course, bacon is involved. We loooove the hell out of bacon, but I digress. The point is, my children are happy and healthy. They  receive a balanced diet, and have had absolutely no complaints about the way I feed them. (unless I try to actually cook).

     I have tried. A really long try. 3 full years of trying, and I am no better now than the first day I caught the stove on fire. (Yes, that actually happened). Not only am I a bad cook, I absolutely HATE it. I get no pleasure from the act or the results, and in my personal opinion, that's good enough reason to stop. I'm not going to spend the rest of my days striving to cook like my mom. That's just not what I'm good at. 

     I admire a women who can whip up a gourmet meal that her family swoons over, I really do, but the simple truth is: Not every woman is a mini Paula Deen. That doesn't mean that I am any less awesome. 

     I can't make a casserole, but I'm the best cuddler this side of the Mason-Dixon line. I have no idea what goes into a sweet potato pie, but I make a mean PB and J. 

My spaghetti is always sticky, 

my fried chicken; always raw , 

my roasts are undercooked,

and to be perfectly honest with you,

I can barely boil eggs, and guess what?

That's ok.

      I'm convinced that what I lack in kitchen-prowess, I make up for in laughs, hugs, dancing in circles, Sam Cooke records and Love. I'll take that over a grease fire, any day. 💚

     

Raspberry letones, green coffee extract, green plums UPDATE.

     I got up, peed, yada, yada, yada, and I weighed myself this morning.  Down only a half a pound.  Not a lot, but I'll take it! As you may have noticed, I totally forget about the dandelion root tea, but I do want to try it this week.  I hear that it is a good detoxifier and a mild diuretic.  Normally, diuretics are not my thing, but since Aunt Flo is in town and she tends to bring almost  pounds of water with her every month, I figure the dandelion root tea is a better idea than Diurex.  So far, the combo of green plums, green coffee extract, and raspberry ketones, have helped me shed 3,5 pounds this week.  Some may be water weight, but I really think I lost some fat and waste from my colon. I think I'm going to lay off of the scale until Saturday when my cycle ends.  As you may remember, my goal weight is 140 lbs, so I would need to lose 2.5 pounds per week in order to be Milftastic by Halloween.  I really need to start working out guys! Any pointers? Any really interesting new work outs? I am starting to see myself getting "Skinny fat".  You know, the kind of thin that's all flabby and dimply?  That's because most of my weight loss can be attributed to changing my diet and little to no exercise.  I am NOT advocating NOT exercising!  You must, and I MUST exercise.  So I'm starting today.  I'll keep you updated! Weigh in and picture on Saturday so stay tuned!

Current weight:158.5 pounds
Starting weight: 180 pounds
Pounds Shed: 21.5
Pounds to go: 18.5

Milftastic Mondays

Milftastic Mondays!

I really wanted to show you guys an awesome picture of me with high heels and hair "did", but frankly, I looked like a walking turd today and refuse to be forever immortalized as a chicken head on the web. Instead, I will share with you today's project.  My daughters helped me put together the IKEA KURA loft beds for their room.   Here's the story: (sigh.FML)

It all started when I got up this morning with a song in my step for some damn reason! I woke at 4:30 a.m., forced my partner to talk to me and listen to my musings on life until 7:30 a.m., at which time I jumped out of bed, peed, poo'ed and got super naked in order to weigh myself.  Down another pound!!!! Sweet! I looked in the mirror to see where I was losing the most weight and was caught off guard by the stupid grin on my face.  Its just a freaking pound, right? No need to be so damn happy, right? Anyway, I digress.  The stupid pound got me to thinking that I could do anything.  I ran down a list of things I had been procrastinating  putting off and decided on setting up the loft style bunk beds for the kidlets.  The wife said she would do it, but why wait?  "How hard can it be?" I said. "How long could it take?" I said.  "Damnit! I got this!" I said ...

Turns out, I don't "got this."  I sucked at "this."  in fact, what should have taken a normal human being less than an hour or so, took yours truly faaaaar longer.  Fast forward 5 hours , 15 minutes, and ten chipped finger nails later.  I was soaked in sweat, nearly starving, and finally finished.  "You are really slow at that mama", said my 4 year old. "Shut up minion!, I said under my breath. Now normally I would go ahead and leave out the fact that my project could have been more successfully completed by a 3 year old, but I wanted to show y'all how much of a "ride or die" chick I am.  I kept screwing (and screwing up) until there was only one screw left over!!! HA!

So here are the finished projects! 315 minutes later, each kidlet has a beautiful, albeit sweat stained bed.  Go me! Sooooooo, if I can muster up the strength, I will do my hair and take a pic to prove that I'm not a hideous beast behind this computer.  Rest well til then y'all.  I know the girls will!

Tired of spare tires (and love handles, back fat, and my muffin top)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8sCsFtEBBA&feature=plcp

     You wanna know what's the most amazing thing about me losing 20 lbs?  The fact that I look in the mirror and see how chubby I still am!  I mean, if I'm a chubby monster at 162llbs, how much more of a chubby monster was I at 180 lbs?! So I actually started this journey in June 2012. I lost 18 lbs in 2 months just from changing my eating habits.  Unfortunately, I had this brilliant idea to keep dieting for another month without weighing myself.  With 20 lbs to go, I felt as though I didn't need the added stress that came with weighing in everyday.  I literally went crazy every-time the scale moved up 1/4 of a pound!  I started analyzing everything I had eaten the day before, plotting how I would only eat 200 calories for the next three days, and then finally, I would settle into a scale induced depression that could only be cured by ice cream.  Crazy right?  Well most days, I skipped the ice cream and even without exercise, my diet seemed to work.
     August was a different story.  At the end of 4 weeks, of NOT weighing, I had only lost a pound.  Its seems that however psychotic the scale had made me, it had kept me in check.  So now I've made up my mind that its time to stop playing games with myself, the scale, exercise, and unfortunately, ice cream. Oh Dear Lord, please help me,