The adventures of Shitty McGhee.

     So a lot of you may be wondering what happened after my visit with "Downtown Judy Brown" yesterday.  In case you aren't keeping up, read about it here Brown, James Brown.  So, two days into starting the raspberry ketones, green coffee, green plum diet, I started pooping as if I had been backed up for 13 years.  It was literally NON stop and after a few trips back and forth to the crapper, I decided to sit there until I knew my entire colon was empty (at which point, I was joined by all four of my daughters who wailed about how bad I stunk).
     After removing my ass, (and my children) from the bathroom, I remember that I really need to run to the bank before they closed.  I leave the kids with their playgroup and head off about 15 miles to the nearest bank.  At mile 14, strange things begin happening in my tummy.  Really strange things.  I could hear gurgling and bubbling coming from my "empty" colon, and all of a sudden, something breaks loose.  Now I don't know what it was, but waaaaaay up high in my intestines, a boulder liquefied and hit my butt like a ton of bricks. Then it happened...wait for it...I. SHARTED. I try desperately to clench my cheeks together because I refused to have a code Brown as a 30 year old woman.  I refused to leave chocolate colored streaks in my cream colored leather seats and drive 15 miles back home with creamy brown stank squishing itself into my nether regions.  I could already imagine running up the stairs to take a "Crying Game" shower only to be further humiliated as my daughters asked, "What's that horrible smell mommy?'"  Not me. Not today.  I'm a grown ass woman dammit! I did what any grown woman would do.  I called my partner and told her that I was nearly about to crap myself.  She urged me to find a place to go immediately and then she laughed and laughed at my horrible misfortune.
     We hung up and I ran to the closest place that I knew had a restroom.  Unfortunately, It was our favorite donut shop.  Unfortunately, the bathroom had an "out of order" sign. Unfortunately, the door was locked and the owner was in the back baking!!! fml. Then things got worse.  I just couldn't clench for another moment.  The turtle head was coming out, whether I liked it or not.  The dam was breaking, and right as I began to hang my head in shame, the owner appeared (she must have heard me jiggling the bathroom door like a psychopath) and said, "Its not really out of order, just pull hard and it will open."  Thank God! I pulled on the door, but not too hard for fear that any added pressure could cause a very delicate situation to become a smelly disaster.  The relief was like nothing you have ever know!  I didn't know that anyone person could carry that much (or be that loud).  I sat there for what seemed like an eternity then I washed my hands, purchased a water and got back to my car before anyone could smell pin the smell on me.